Wednesday, September 06, 2006

If I was a man

If I was a man, I'd walk big in my boots. I'd spit on the sidewalk, and sit with my legs wide apart on the bus.

If I was a man, I'd be secure in my opinions. Other men would nod sagely at what I said. I would be an expert on everything, and nobody would doubt me when I say it is clearly a problem with the timing belt.

If I was a man, I wouldn't own a mop.

If I was a man, I would smoke Marlboros and squint into the sunlight. I would wear the same style of jeans I'd worn twenty-five years ago, and leather boots that held the print of my bare foot.

If I was a man, I would drink beer every day.

If I was a man, nobody would tell me not to go there alone. I would know how to fight, and how to win. I would know the logic of meat and bone, and other men would make way for me on the street.

If I was a man, I would grow a beard, or not.

If I was a man and I wanted a job, I would walk onto a construction site and be given one. I would make buildings grow from bare earth, and reduce tall buildings to piles of rock. I would get dirt under my fingernails and callouses on my hands.

If I was a man, no stranger would presume to comment on my haircut or my outfit.

If I was a man, I would ogle women. I would stare at their hips, their breasts, their necks lifting from collars. I would imagine the feel of their hair on my lips. I would consider any one of them mine by right. In looking, I would possess them.

If I was a man, I would hold my cock proud in one hand. I would write my name in the snow.

If I was a man, my woman would bend to fit me. She would shave between her legs to please me. She would grow her hair long, and dress in my favorite color. And when I get bored, I would trade her in for a newer model.

If I was a man, I would take any suggestion to change as an affront to my essential self.

If I was a man, I would be in on the joke. I would never be expected to cook. I would be invited to poker games. I would not think about my looks. I would choose to wear a condom, or not. I would not be measured by the cleanliness of my house. I would have children I didn't know about. I would not have a skin-care regimen. I would be offered a cigar. I would be forgiven if I brought flowers. I would not write thank you notes. I would not wonder what to wear. I would be picked for the team.

If I was a man, I would walk big in my boots, and I would rule the world.


mysfit said...

very nice. If I was a man, I would grow a beard, or not. me too!

actually i was going thru old magazines for a collage yesterday and saw something about how women judge a man by their kitchen more than any room of the house... which is weird. somethign to think about. but you hit a very mainstream male attitude right on the head - disgusting eh? ;)

Bones said...

Heh! Or so you'd think...if you were a man.

And I'm so glad you're not!

Geo said...

Would you own a woman who owns a mop?

I thought maybe you were Viggo Mortensen till you headed for the construction site.

Anonymous said...

Huh.... What brought this on, ma Belle? Si j'etais un homme, je te volerais de Tony (attention, Tony!) et je t'aimerais pour toujours.... jusqu'a j'ai decouvert que j'etais un petit homme et un peu mal, helas.


mysfit said...

"Would you own a woman who owns a mop?" could you?

Chemical Billy said...

I'd totally own a woman who owns a mop. How else would my floors get clean?