Monday, June 13, 2005

Billy comes clean - author bio

(the meme started here, was pronounced meme-worthy by Joss, and was last seen in the grimy paws of monkey 0.)

Chemical Billy began her writing career in a Turkish prison, where guards were so moved by her prose poem, Monkey Fresh/Failed Binge - written in hummus on the cell wall - that she was released early. Banned forever from the entire Indian subcontinent after the infamous Noodle Incident, Billy went on to be knighted for training MI5 agents in her mysterious technique of emitting a noxious body odor at will. The stench is said to be so transcendantly foul, it can clear a room or scatter a violently ill crowd in less than 23 seconds.

Ms. Billy lives in a secure, undisclosed location, somewhere deep beneath the plains of North Dakota. There are no reliable accounts of her physical description, and even her numerous lovers claim to have been blindfolded or only permitted to interact through colored plastic sheeting. There are rumors, however, that she is over seven feet tall, and one spurned lover's (failed) suicide note mentions her "penetrating kneecaps".

Ms. Billy's autobiography, And Yet It Has Eyebrows, has been translated into 17 languages (including Haitian Creole), and is an upcoming musical starring James Earl Jones as the reclusive author.

6 comments:

jkirlin said...

Oh, that Paul Robeson were still alive for the role.

Daniel Heath said...

"And Yet It Has Eyebrows"
a classic for the ages.

on this same note, C.B., check out your blogger profile. you may not have noticed, but you can type in just any old thing in the "interests" section and it divvies them up like they are official subject headers... I think you need to update that as well.

Geo said...

Hey, got any bit parts for eyebrows that can't sing?

Chemical Billy said...

Jeff - That doesn't mean I didn't try to have him cast, anyway.

monkey 0 - what makes you think I have interests?

geo - you can play both eyebrows!

Daniel Heath said...

you? no interests?

three words for you:
mormon motor sports

Philip said...

Chemical Billy huh? First Amie, then Caitlin :). Hi! It's Philip (remeber Provo?), I've got no e-mail address for you ;).